Vain pursuit. So this is what disappointment feels like…
I’ve always known how important it is to me to have others like me. I’ve recently discovered how truly exasperating the vanity of this pursuit can be. No matter how hard I try, I will always be let down, and disappointed. I can’t control people’s consistency. I can’t control their responses.
I can try to “control” a situation by putting all of the proper measures in place that would logically lead to a desired result, but ultimately, I just can’t predict the way the cookie will crumble. People do what they want. People leave when they want. There’s nothing that I can do to change that. I know that. Then the other side of me says that if I can provide people with what they want, they’ll stay. The problem is, we don’t always know what we want. Our desires change. Or, in other words, we’re inconsistent.
I can make plans with someone one day, only to have them forget our plans the next. I can sacrifice my time for someone in hopes that they’ll do the same someday for me, only to never have the favor returned. You can be everything that you know how to be to a person, and they can (inadvertently) make you feel like dirt. Someone can love me intensely, and I can be (or act) completely oblivious, forever. It sucks. People suck. Life…sucks.
There has to be a better outlook than this…
How then should we live? How then can we live?
Honestly, this idea of understanding how unfair and illogical many things in life are, is very freeing. Even typing these thoughts out leaves me with the feeling that I’ve shed some unnecessary weight.
Before I continue, I want to clarify that I’m not speaking of friends, and loved-ones as baggage. Rather, I’m referring to the mental and emotional slavery that we keep ourselves in that says that our identity lies in being validated by other people, or how well we perform. Realistically speaking, when people consistently decline our invitations, renege on commitments, or otherwise respond in ways that are inconsistent with the way we feel they should respond, it’s easy to begin wondering how much they value us. Especially when we see this pattern in multiple people in our lives. It can make us question what’s so inadequate about ourselves that makes them respond in this way.
But if basing our choices in life on the responses of other people is leading us to undesirable results, it makes sense that we stop. But that’s difficult. We can’t just…stop. We can’t just up and change the way we’ve lived our entire lives. But we need to. We need to die to ourselves. We need to lose our lives.
I’m reminded of these lyrics from Natasha Bedingfield’s song “Weightless” from her latest album: “All the things I held in my fist/ if I don’t let go, I don’t exist/ they’ve become the things that define me…that’s not important anymore/ I feel me rising off the floor/ light as a feather, I’m carefree…I’m weightless!” She goes on to sing: “They told me ‘girl to get your way you’ve got to be a ….’/ they say ‘a guy won’t get the girl if he’s not filthy rich’/ it seems to be that’s so heavy, it weighs you down like lead/ don’t wanna be someone I hate, cuz that don’t make no sense…”
I recently posted this on my tumblr: “My prayer is that every single day, I learn to loosen my grip, more than the day before. Less of me…more of Him.” Honestly, the more control I learn to relinquish, the lighter my life feels. It’s exhausting to go through life with the weight of expectations, performing well, becoming who you think you should be…the weight of the world, on our shoulders. It’s heavy. Life gets heavy. Often times, this “letting go” looks like forgiveness, or a change in your perspective (especially when a situation isn’t changing).
C.S. Lewis said it like this: “Human history is the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.” It’s all vanity. Like chasing the wind. In the end, you have nothing to show for yourself.
In a culture that says “He who has the most stuff wins,” I’d like to submit that “he who relinquishes the most wins.” The more “stuff” we have and the more we hold on to, the more tethered we remain to this world. The more tethered we remain, the more stake we have to lose when it all falls down. Which it eventually will. Life never remains ideal. The more tightly we hold on to things, the more they begin to become a part of us…they begin to define us. Simple physics shows us that the heavier an object is, the harder it will fall.
The flipside of this coin is faith. I’m not advocating living a “safe” lifestyle, where you never commit fully to anything out of fear of falling too hard. The reality of the matter is that even after we begin to loosen our grips on the things that we’re holding so tightly, those things won’t suddenly cease to exist. Those experiences, desires, character and personality traits that we feel are “just who we are”…they’ll still taunt you. They’ll still be there to remind you of the good times that you had together…and there were plenty. They’ll even lead you to believe that your life wasn’t bad at all before. In fact, it probably wasn’t. But this is where you’ll have to decide whether or not you’re content with being a mediocre version of yourself, versus a true, actualized version of yourself.
This is where you’ll have to see how real your belief in God really is. Can you really trust God to never put more on you than you can bear? Can you really trust that He’ll work everything out for your good according to His purpose? Can you really trust that He’ll never leave you and forsake you, even though that’s all you’ve ever seen anyone who’s claimed they love you do?
If you can’t, take heart, because the Kingdom of God is absolutely accessible to you. God is all about reconciliation, and bringing us back to Himself. Just look at the Bible, and you’ll see His relentless pursuit for people who treat Him exactly the ways that I mentioned earlier. If anyone understands our lives and has the power to transform us, its God. David Platt states it like this: “You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, and in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore, you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do.” That’s freedom! It’s no longer dependent on ME!
Every major change starts with a decision. A declaration of decisive, definitive choosing. A decision is not an “I’ll try to…” statement, but rather an “I will…” statement. Decisions demand intentionality and focus. I don’t know what you need to do. You may or may not know yourself. But if you feel any kind of way after reading this, God’s probably at work, whether it be through His Spirit, or His providence. Either way, decide. Make a decisive declaration. A definitive choosing…to loosen your grip.
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Preparing for the Island...(Preparacion Para La Isla...)
In preparing for my trip to go to Puerto Rico this past June, there were many thoughts, prayers, and songs going through my mind. I couldn't wait to see my friends...my family, that I had made in Juana Diaz the year before. I couldn't wait to stay in the Howard Johnson hotel that we stayed at the year before on Isla Verde with the Burger King beside it and Walgreens up the street. I couldn't wait to go to the beach that was within a 5 minute's walking distance from our hotel. I couldn't wait to see which crew I would be on, who my teammates would be, and what site we would be working on. I couldn't wait for Brian y la jovenes de JIBEM to lead worship...I REALLY couldn't wait for that. Since last year, I had learned about 15 different worship songs in Spanish, and I was ready to give God my all in worship. I was ready to see God move in the hearts and mindsets of the team from my church back home (New Song Bible Fellowship). I was even eager to try out some of the new Spanish words and phrases that I learned from Twitter, and the Byki Spanish app on my iPhone. As you can see, I was EAGERLY anticipating this trip.
Aside from all of this anticipation about going back to la isla de encanta, God had been growing me so much closer to Himself than ever before. Knowing God is a very intimate process. I'm so full of passion, and so full of ideas to change the world...but none of that matters in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong...My heart still beats for seeing God's will done on earth, as it is in heaven. At the same time, God has also been sharing with me how everything truly is vanity. Meaning that it won't last.
Honestly, I find it hard to not focus on figuring out how to change the prevalent mindsets in America, and in Brazil (and in other countries) to where we care ENOUGH to make sure that everyone has, at least, the basic necessities of life. Seriously. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that there are enough resources in our world for no one to ever have to go hungry, but people die of starvation everyday. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that people feel as though they need to cut themselves in order to "release" their pain. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that people are still imprisoned by negative stereotypes, and are literally not "allowed" to be themselves. These are things that I constantly think about. These thoughts, concerns, and convictions literally keep me up at night at times. I think about solutions. I think about how I am often hypocritical in these areas. I think about what God wants me to DO about these things, and how He'll help me do them...
In thinking on these things, the Holy Spirit brought to my attention that I had been focusing too much on DOING things for God, and too little on KNOWING God. The object of my affections...the only exception in a world full of imperfection...the only constant, Who is consistent when nothing or nobody else is...The only one whom I can fully and completely trust, 100% of the time, even when I can't trust myself...Mi sagrado, my sanctuary. These are attributes that I began to learn, know, see, and understand about God. I began to understand that ultimately, social justice can't save a man's soul. Only the saving grace of God through His Son Jesus can. I began to find solace in His sovereignty. The more I saw God, the less my desires mattered. I know it may sound heavy, and even weird, but this is a window into the intimacy that I'm beginning to share with God.
Relating all of this back to my anticipation and expectations for my trip to PR, a single song became my prayer for the trip. The song is called "Vision of You" by Shane and Shane. Take a few minutes to listen to the song, and read the lyrics (both found at the following YouTube link): Vision of You
My prayer can be summed up in these lyrics: "Awaken what's inside of me. Tune my heart to all You are in me...Even though You're here, God come. May the vision of You be the death of me...."
It's still my prayer. I'm a new creation, but I'm still shedding...Still crawling out of my old skin. May the vision of You be the death of me.
Aside from all of this anticipation about going back to la isla de encanta, God had been growing me so much closer to Himself than ever before. Knowing God is a very intimate process. I'm so full of passion, and so full of ideas to change the world...but none of that matters in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong...My heart still beats for seeing God's will done on earth, as it is in heaven. At the same time, God has also been sharing with me how everything truly is vanity. Meaning that it won't last.
Honestly, I find it hard to not focus on figuring out how to change the prevalent mindsets in America, and in Brazil (and in other countries) to where we care ENOUGH to make sure that everyone has, at least, the basic necessities of life. Seriously. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that there are enough resources in our world for no one to ever have to go hungry, but people die of starvation everyday. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that people feel as though they need to cut themselves in order to "release" their pain. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that people are still imprisoned by negative stereotypes, and are literally not "allowed" to be themselves. These are things that I constantly think about. These thoughts, concerns, and convictions literally keep me up at night at times. I think about solutions. I think about how I am often hypocritical in these areas. I think about what God wants me to DO about these things, and how He'll help me do them...
In thinking on these things, the Holy Spirit brought to my attention that I had been focusing too much on DOING things for God, and too little on KNOWING God. The object of my affections...the only exception in a world full of imperfection...the only constant, Who is consistent when nothing or nobody else is...The only one whom I can fully and completely trust, 100% of the time, even when I can't trust myself...Mi sagrado, my sanctuary. These are attributes that I began to learn, know, see, and understand about God. I began to understand that ultimately, social justice can't save a man's soul. Only the saving grace of God through His Son Jesus can. I began to find solace in His sovereignty. The more I saw God, the less my desires mattered. I know it may sound heavy, and even weird, but this is a window into the intimacy that I'm beginning to share with God.
Relating all of this back to my anticipation and expectations for my trip to PR, a single song became my prayer for the trip. The song is called "Vision of You" by Shane and Shane. Take a few minutes to listen to the song, and read the lyrics (both found at the following YouTube link): Vision of You
My prayer can be summed up in these lyrics: "Awaken what's inside of me. Tune my heart to all You are in me...Even though You're here, God come. May the vision of You be the death of me...."
It's still my prayer. I'm a new creation, but I'm still shedding...Still crawling out of my old skin. May the vision of You be the death of me.
Things I Learned On the Island Pt. 1 (Cosas Que Apprendi En la Isla)
Today, as I was speaking with my brother on the phone, I realized that it was the first time that I really verbalized one of the realizations that I came to when I was in Puerto Rico a couple of weeks ago. It started off as a simple conversation about lunch, and turned into a conversation about one way that my life has changed since going to Puerto Rico. He told me about how he was at Chic-Fil-A getting a free chicken sandwich with a coupon that he had. I asked him if it was the new spicy chicken sandwich, or if it was just the regular one that they've always had, to which he responded that it was the regular one. I was somewhat disappointed, since I wanted to know what he thought of their new spicy chicken sandwich, because I've been trying to decide if it is worth it for me to try. Then I said, "I never go to Chic-Fil-A anyway, because its too expensive for too little food. I never get full off of one of their meals, and I end up having to pay around $11 to get full. So I never go." This is the point where the conversation shifted. (Random, right? lol)
After that statement, I digressed, and shared with my brother how I'm trying to eat less these days. Not to lose weight or anything, though general health concerns are an added benefit. While in Puerto Rico, a typical day consisted of eating breakfast at around 6:15am, which sometimes literally consisted of 2 small pancakes and 2 small strips of bacon. I may be small, but I'm still a grown man. I can eat with the best of them, and that breakfast, in my mind, was the equivalent to eating a snack-sized bag of chips. Something to do, but ultimately, pointless and ineffective. After breakfast, we arrived at our worksite at around 7:30am to continue working on our construction project.
Throughout the day, we worked (and took breaks), until around noon, which is when our team decided to eat lunch (shout to the Nail Heads!). Lunch consisted of a very sketchy peanut butter & jelly sandwich, a turkey & cheese sandwich (with 1 or 2 slices of meat on it), and a small bag of chips, or 2 little cookies. I emphasized to my brother how small of a lunch that was, especially given that the breakfasts, or even dinners, were not any bigger. When I'm at work, or in my apartment, I definitely eat way more food than that. Each sandwich would have 4 slices of turkey, at least.
Here's what I came to realize. When waking up so early in the morning, I needed to eat something for breakfast...Anything would've sufficed. Working throughout the day on a construction project in the direct heat of the Puerto Rican sun was definitely not the easiest thing that I've done in my life. By the time lunchtime came around, I was grateful to see those brown bags with the sketchy peanut butter & jelly sandwich and turkey (or ham) & cheese sandwich come around. After the first couple of days, I learned to look forward to those lunches. They sustained me throughout the rest of our work day (which ended at 3:30pm). Even still, the lunches did not fill me up, nor did they satisfy my epicurean nature. But, I was sustained. I had enough.
Enough. A word that is so estranged from American vocabulary that people would probably not feel comfortable giving it an "absolute" definition. We would typically feel the need to leave the definition open-ended, so as to leave more room for our "situationally specific, 'enough'" (read: excessive) lifestyles.
Anyone who follows me on Twitter, knows that recently, God's been taking me through a journey where I really want to step up my actions in regards to the ills that I see in society. I truly have a problem with the fact that there are ENOUGH resources in the world that not a single person should die from starvation, or be homeless, yet those things happen regularly. Sure, I have money automatically deducted from my bank account monthly that goes towards education, clean water, and shelters (shout out to the Mocha Club). But I also spend a relatively exorbitant amount of money on myself, in relation to what I share with others.
I'm reminded of author and speaker Francis Chan, who spoke about he and his wife, who through the prompting of the Holy Spirit, decided to share (donate) 100% of the royalties from his book "Crazy Love" to a charity. This action was met with opposition, even in the church, because people said that it was not a wise decision, and that they should at least save some of it in case of an "emergency." Chan responded in disappointment, highlighting that child slavery IS an emergency, and its happening RIGHT NOW. His view was that emergencies do not become less urgent when they are disconnected from us.
So how does this tie into the Chic-Fil-A story, and me sharing with my brother that I'm trying to eat less? God is taking me through a season of contentment, and sustainability. He's also working out my passions. Why do I need to eat 2 double stacks, a 5 piece nugget, and a medium fry from Wendy's for lunch? I don't need to eat until I get sleepy. lol. Seriously...a food coma? Really? Basically, I was encouraged to become a more considerate consumer. Sure, I'm not sending extra food to the homeless shelter downtown. That's not the point. The point is that I want to be content with enough. Practically speaking, that frees me up to be able to do so much more for the issues that I say I'm passionate about.
Think about it. We say that we care about issues like child slavery, world hunger, homelessness in our community, the RIDICULOUS global poverty line, etc...Yet we do things like buy a new outfit for an event, or pay for a meal at a restaurant on our CREDIT CARDS. We live such exorbitant lifestyles, that we don't even have "enough" for ourselves, much less anyone else. When I can sit here typing this post on my Macbook Pro, in my own 2 bedroom/2 full bathroom apartment with no roommate, watching one of my 250 something DVDs on my flatscreen HD TV, while occasionally tweeting from my iPhone 3Gs, and then in the next breath say, "I can't afford to help my neighbor", there is a SERIOUS, problem. This is the circumstance for the average American.
The majority of the people who will read this will more than likely be my friends, and will more than likely be between the ages of 18 and 30. This note absolutely applies to you. The world is ours for the changing. I encourage you NOT to go ask your parents for $60 to go buy a tent from http://www.aHomeInHaiti.org, but rather that you make the sacrifice out of your own pockets. High school & College students and young adults are the richest, most "broke" demographic in our country. We claim to always be poor and never have money, yet we always find a way to get "stuff." We can be more.
What do I want you to do about it? I don't know. NOT nothing. I want you to reject apathy. That's what I want you to do. Reject apathy. Proactively. Let the Holy Spirit guide you, speak to you, and convict you of what you need to do. This is just some of what I learned while I was in Puerto Rico, and I wanted to share it with you. God is big enough to be enough. Seek Him. Learn Him. Know Him. Live.
**Update**
I can't believe I forgot to leave you all with the verse that inspired me throughout the entire week in Puerto Rico, and everyday since then. Its on the background of my iPhone, and my Mac's Desktop.
Micah 6:8 - He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?
Why I love my friends...old, and new.
Today, I have a day off from work. I usually wake up around 8, 8:15 to be at work by 9am. Today, I didn't have to be up at any specific time, so I didn't set my alarm...I decided to allow my body to regulate itself and wake me up whenever it felt was the right time. Oddly enough, I woke up at around 7:45am. I was confused...lol. I started catching up on The Secret Life of the American Teenager, before I decided to update my facebook status.
*Brief Sidenote*
Similar to my last post, outlining the purpose of my blog/life, I love watching shows like The Secret Life of the American Teenager because they give a really in depth portrait of the different factors that go along with whatever issue is being faced, which in the case of this show, is teenage pregnancy.
Back to the regularly scheduled blogging...lol. So, I updated my facebook status to say the following: "Reggie Leonard is wondering why I'm up before I usually need to wake up, and it's my day off..." After having it up for a while, one of my newer friends, T.H., responded by commenting, "I prayed you would become a morning person :)" After reading that comment, I couldn't stop smiling.
The background on that comment stemmed from a conversation that took place after playing capture the flag on Tuesday (a few days ago), which involved me saying that I was definitely NOT a morning person at all. My friend, T.H., said that she was a morning person. Not that much background, I know...lol.
It doesn't seem like her comment on my status was "that serious," but honestly, I was really impressed by that statement. Impressed in the sense that it really left an impression on me...it made me feel something. It made me feel remembered, thoughts about, cared about, and it made me smile. I'm not sure if she was joking, or if she actually prayed for me to become a morning person, but either way, the fact that she thought about that, and remembered that I wasn't a morning person, and would have even considered praying for me meant more than I would have ever thought that it would.
I'm thinking it partially has to do with the fact that I'm a really self-reliant person, so when people "pray" for me, it often feels like an unecessary, but welcomed gesture. To further explain, I remember a friend telling me that I did well on something, and instead of saying "thank you", I said "I know." She laughed, and said that it was odd, because she's never heard anyone respond like that before...and that most people would've just said thanks. I went on to explain how in the past, its been hard for me to respond to congratulations from people, because I work to obtain a specific result, and so when I do good at something, its what I expected to happen...because I worked for it to happen. It was the same thing with prayer. I figured, sure, you could pray for me...it's not like it could hurt anything...but I'm gonna make sure that this happens the way that I want it to. Thankfully, God's been showing me these thought processes and non-ideal ways of being, and He's been growing me a lot in these areas.
So with that understanding, it meant a lot that my friend would think to do something as large as interrupting the God of the universe, on my behalf, to ask for something as seemingly miniscule as me becoming a morning person(in comparison to other things like curing diseases, ending world hunger, stopping human trafficking, etc...). Even if all she said was "God...make Reggie a morning person." I'm sure that T.H. didn't think about it in these terms, or even as being this deep, but it honestly made me feel honored, to know that a friend, a new friend at that, approached GOD...for me. Thanks.
P.S. It really goes to show that a small gesture goes a LONG way.
*Brief Sidenote*
Similar to my last post, outlining the purpose of my blog/life, I love watching shows like The Secret Life of the American Teenager because they give a really in depth portrait of the different factors that go along with whatever issue is being faced, which in the case of this show, is teenage pregnancy.
Back to the regularly scheduled blogging...lol. So, I updated my facebook status to say the following: "Reggie Leonard is wondering why I'm up before I usually need to wake up, and it's my day off..." After having it up for a while, one of my newer friends, T.H., responded by commenting, "I prayed you would become a morning person :)" After reading that comment, I couldn't stop smiling.
The background on that comment stemmed from a conversation that took place after playing capture the flag on Tuesday (a few days ago), which involved me saying that I was definitely NOT a morning person at all. My friend, T.H., said that she was a morning person. Not that much background, I know...lol.
It doesn't seem like her comment on my status was "that serious," but honestly, I was really impressed by that statement. Impressed in the sense that it really left an impression on me...it made me feel something. It made me feel remembered, thoughts about, cared about, and it made me smile. I'm not sure if she was joking, or if she actually prayed for me to become a morning person, but either way, the fact that she thought about that, and remembered that I wasn't a morning person, and would have even considered praying for me meant more than I would have ever thought that it would.
I'm thinking it partially has to do with the fact that I'm a really self-reliant person, so when people "pray" for me, it often feels like an unecessary, but welcomed gesture. To further explain, I remember a friend telling me that I did well on something, and instead of saying "thank you", I said "I know." She laughed, and said that it was odd, because she's never heard anyone respond like that before...and that most people would've just said thanks. I went on to explain how in the past, its been hard for me to respond to congratulations from people, because I work to obtain a specific result, and so when I do good at something, its what I expected to happen...because I worked for it to happen. It was the same thing with prayer. I figured, sure, you could pray for me...it's not like it could hurt anything...but I'm gonna make sure that this happens the way that I want it to. Thankfully, God's been showing me these thought processes and non-ideal ways of being, and He's been growing me a lot in these areas.
So with that understanding, it meant a lot that my friend would think to do something as large as interrupting the God of the universe, on my behalf, to ask for something as seemingly miniscule as me becoming a morning person(in comparison to other things like curing diseases, ending world hunger, stopping human trafficking, etc...). Even if all she said was "God...make Reggie a morning person." I'm sure that T.H. didn't think about it in these terms, or even as being this deep, but it honestly made me feel honored, to know that a friend, a new friend at that, approached GOD...for me. Thanks.
P.S. It really goes to show that a small gesture goes a LONG way.
How to Save a Life
Just a video explaining the purpose behind my blog, and why it's entitled "How to Save a Life"
You Found Me
I love God. Yesterday, a best friend of mine and I were talking about the book "The Shack" (which I have yet to read, and don't really have any interest in reading). That discussion somehow segwayed into me asking how to practically gain self-control, which is not a very strong discipline for myself. I then got on the topic of how I've recently been wondering how realistic it is for me to actually endure in my Christian walk. Not in the sense of "losing my salvation," which I don't believe can happen, but in the sense of consistently living a life that's free from major sin.
Lately, as I purvey the scope of my circle of Christianity, as well as those whom I look up to who aren't in my personal circle, I've been seeing a lot of people falling. A lot of guys I know have been getting young ladies pregnant, a lot of young ladies I know have been getting pregnant, pastors that I know have been falling into marital infidelity and divorces, and even a Christian rapper that I've really looked up to for various reasons (including his emphasis on personal integrity) has been exposed as being unfaithful in his marriage. I explained to my friend how I felt that "Christianity is looking real grim right now...". At that point, I realized that this was a new feeling...I've never felt hopeless before. About anything. Especially about my faith. I felt somewhat apprehensive to admit that I was having doubts, but I felt somewhat excited, because, I felt like this was the point that I've been praying, waiting, and hoping for in my walk with Christ.
My friend went on to explain the different reasons why we have hope in Christ, and how the beauty of grace is that when we fall, Christ has already covered it, and God's right there to pick us back up. As comforting as that was supposed to sound, it only reaffirmed my hopelessness, because it made me feel as though it was only a matter of time before I eminently slipped up BIG time...which is what I was afraid of in the first place. I felt like, if all of these people who are surrounding themselves with solid accountability, are in their Word, are in fellowship with other believers, have a vibrant prayer life, and are ministering to the needs of other people end up falling in these "big" ways (as if one sin is worse than another...), then what hope do I have of not ending up the same way? It was literally my question...What hope do I have of not ending up the same way? After my friend gave me some verses about the hope that I have, I still felt hopeless, because I didn't know how to practically implement the things from the scriptures, or I wasn't clear on what they meant when actually put into practice in everyday life.
My friend responded that it was arrogant to think that there was anything that I could do to ensure that I didn't fall into sin. I agreed, and assured him that I wasn't looking for a formula to figure out how to live a perfect life on earth, because, clearly, that's absolutely ridiculous, and negates the need for grace. So, what did I want? I wanted to figure out what I could do to ensure that I didn't fall into sin. lol. After reflecting internally on what my boy was saying, that's exactly what I was looking for. I was feeling so discouraged from the recent failings of everyone else around me, in addition to the stuff that I know I've been failing at, and it really made me feel like there was no light on the horizon. My boy kept telling me to embrace my weakness, and I was just like, "I KNOW, BUT HOW!"
What I left that conversation empowered with, was the knowledge that I was wrestling with whether or not I should accept God's grace...because that would mean that I was trusting God to cover me if I fall...and I'm too self-reliant for that.
Enter Calvary Chapel Lynchburg today...I went to this church for the first time in about a year (when the pastor first started teaching from Revelation), and guess where he was teaching from again today? Yep, Revelation 16:6-21. He's been teaching from it every sunday until he's finished the book. His message was very interesting and enlightining, as it dealt with some of the judgements to come. But at one point in the message, he mentioned something about surrender...He said, "You come to this conclusion, that, you know what, my sin...my lying, my covetousness, my adultery, my idolatry, my stealing...breaking the ten commandments...That is an offense to God, and I need to repent of that! And I need to begin to walk in obedience, But how can I? I can't do it on my own. And when we come to that realization, and we call out upon Jesus and ask Him to forgive us, and in faith we entrust our souls to Him to forgive, and cleanse, and take us to heaven, that is when salvation is experienced."
Wow...talk about a timely message. When I heard that statement, in light of last night's conversation, I was floored. I was like, wow...it makes sense now. That's what my boy was talking about when he said to "embrace it." I didn't really feel like my friend understood fully what I was trying to say, but when Pastor Mike used my exact words today in church, I knew that he understood where I was coming from, and that God was speaking to me through him. After reflecting on that statement, I literally felt salvation. I felt like the God who I'd been searching for all of this time, found me instead! Last night, I told my friend that what I really needed was to feel like I needed God. Not in the sense of me being able to make it to heaven on my own...but I needed to want heaven more than I wanted to bear my own guilt (that's another blog for another day). After realizing (not just knowing & understanding) that its not hopeless...but rather, there is literally nothing that I can do to ensure anything...at that point...I realized that I needed God...literally.
I've been looking everywhere else, but God's just like, dude, I stand at the door and knock...Once I realized that it was Him and opened the door, I was rescued from the lie that I believed. That's why I posted the video by The Fray...because it essentially recounts my Christian experience up to today...Feel free to comment on this post! You don't need an account to comment...
Lately, as I purvey the scope of my circle of Christianity, as well as those whom I look up to who aren't in my personal circle, I've been seeing a lot of people falling. A lot of guys I know have been getting young ladies pregnant, a lot of young ladies I know have been getting pregnant, pastors that I know have been falling into marital infidelity and divorces, and even a Christian rapper that I've really looked up to for various reasons (including his emphasis on personal integrity) has been exposed as being unfaithful in his marriage. I explained to my friend how I felt that "Christianity is looking real grim right now...". At that point, I realized that this was a new feeling...I've never felt hopeless before. About anything. Especially about my faith. I felt somewhat apprehensive to admit that I was having doubts, but I felt somewhat excited, because, I felt like this was the point that I've been praying, waiting, and hoping for in my walk with Christ.
My friend went on to explain the different reasons why we have hope in Christ, and how the beauty of grace is that when we fall, Christ has already covered it, and God's right there to pick us back up. As comforting as that was supposed to sound, it only reaffirmed my hopelessness, because it made me feel as though it was only a matter of time before I eminently slipped up BIG time...which is what I was afraid of in the first place. I felt like, if all of these people who are surrounding themselves with solid accountability, are in their Word, are in fellowship with other believers, have a vibrant prayer life, and are ministering to the needs of other people end up falling in these "big" ways (as if one sin is worse than another...), then what hope do I have of not ending up the same way? It was literally my question...What hope do I have of not ending up the same way? After my friend gave me some verses about the hope that I have, I still felt hopeless, because I didn't know how to practically implement the things from the scriptures, or I wasn't clear on what they meant when actually put into practice in everyday life.
My friend responded that it was arrogant to think that there was anything that I could do to ensure that I didn't fall into sin. I agreed, and assured him that I wasn't looking for a formula to figure out how to live a perfect life on earth, because, clearly, that's absolutely ridiculous, and negates the need for grace. So, what did I want? I wanted to figure out what I could do to ensure that I didn't fall into sin. lol. After reflecting internally on what my boy was saying, that's exactly what I was looking for. I was feeling so discouraged from the recent failings of everyone else around me, in addition to the stuff that I know I've been failing at, and it really made me feel like there was no light on the horizon. My boy kept telling me to embrace my weakness, and I was just like, "I KNOW, BUT HOW!"
What I left that conversation empowered with, was the knowledge that I was wrestling with whether or not I should accept God's grace...because that would mean that I was trusting God to cover me if I fall...and I'm too self-reliant for that.
Enter Calvary Chapel Lynchburg today...I went to this church for the first time in about a year (when the pastor first started teaching from Revelation), and guess where he was teaching from again today? Yep, Revelation 16:6-21. He's been teaching from it every sunday until he's finished the book. His message was very interesting and enlightining, as it dealt with some of the judgements to come. But at one point in the message, he mentioned something about surrender...He said, "You come to this conclusion, that, you know what, my sin...my lying, my covetousness, my adultery, my idolatry, my stealing...breaking the ten commandments...That is an offense to God, and I need to repent of that! And I need to begin to walk in obedience, But how can I? I can't do it on my own. And when we come to that realization, and we call out upon Jesus and ask Him to forgive us, and in faith we entrust our souls to Him to forgive, and cleanse, and take us to heaven, that is when salvation is experienced."
Wow...talk about a timely message. When I heard that statement, in light of last night's conversation, I was floored. I was like, wow...it makes sense now. That's what my boy was talking about when he said to "embrace it." I didn't really feel like my friend understood fully what I was trying to say, but when Pastor Mike used my exact words today in church, I knew that he understood where I was coming from, and that God was speaking to me through him. After reflecting on that statement, I literally felt salvation. I felt like the God who I'd been searching for all of this time, found me instead! Last night, I told my friend that what I really needed was to feel like I needed God. Not in the sense of me being able to make it to heaven on my own...but I needed to want heaven more than I wanted to bear my own guilt (that's another blog for another day). After realizing (not just knowing & understanding) that its not hopeless...but rather, there is literally nothing that I can do to ensure anything...at that point...I realized that I needed God...literally.
I've been looking everywhere else, but God's just like, dude, I stand at the door and knock...Once I realized that it was Him and opened the door, I was rescued from the lie that I believed. That's why I posted the video by The Fray...because it essentially recounts my Christian experience up to today...Feel free to comment on this post! You don't need an account to comment...