You Found Me

I love God. Yesterday, a best friend of mine and I were talking about the book "The Shack" (which I have yet to read, and don't really have any interest in reading). That discussion somehow segwayed into me asking how to practically gain self-control, which is not a very strong discipline for myself. I then got on the topic of how I've recently been wondering how realistic it is for me to actually endure in my Christian walk. Not in the sense of "losing my salvation," which I don't believe can happen, but in the sense of consistently living a life that's free from major sin.

Lately, as I purvey the scope of my circle of Christianity, as well as those whom I look up to who aren't in my personal circle, I've been seeing a lot of people falling. A lot of guys I know have been getting young ladies pregnant, a lot of young ladies I know have been getting pregnant, pastors that I know have been falling into marital infidelity and divorces, and even a Christian rapper that I've really looked up to for various reasons (including his emphasis on personal integrity) has been exposed as being unfaithful in his marriage. I explained to my friend how I felt that "Christianity is looking real grim right now...". At that point, I realized that this was a new feeling...I've never felt hopeless before. About anything. Especially about my faith. I felt somewhat apprehensive to admit that I was having doubts, but I felt somewhat excited, because, I felt like this was the point that I've been praying, waiting, and hoping for in my walk with Christ.

My friend went on to explain the different reasons why we have hope in Christ, and how the beauty of grace is that when we fall, Christ has already covered it, and God's right there to pick us back up. As comforting as that was supposed to sound, it only reaffirmed my hopelessness, because it made me feel as though it was only a matter of time before I eminently slipped up BIG time...which is what I was afraid of in the first place. I felt like, if all of these people who are surrounding themselves with solid accountability, are in their Word, are in fellowship with other believers, have a vibrant prayer life, and are ministering to the needs of other people end up falling in these "big" ways (as if one sin is worse than another...), then what hope do I have of not ending up the same way? It was literally my question...What hope do I have of not ending up the same way? After my friend gave me some verses about the hope that I have, I still felt hopeless, because I didn't know how to practically implement the things from the scriptures, or I wasn't clear on what they meant when actually put into practice in everyday life.

My friend responded that it was arrogant to think that there was anything that I could do to ensure that I didn't fall into sin. I agreed, and assured him that I wasn't looking for a formula to figure out how to live a perfect life on earth, because, clearly, that's absolutely ridiculous, and negates the need for grace. So, what did I want? I wanted to figure out what I could do to ensure that I didn't fall into sin. lol. After reflecting internally on what my boy was saying, that's exactly what I was looking for. I was feeling so discouraged from the recent failings of everyone else around me, in addition to the stuff that I know I've been failing at, and it really made me feel like there was no light on the horizon. My boy kept telling me to embrace my weakness, and I was just like, "I KNOW, BUT HOW!"

What I left that conversation empowered with, was the knowledge that I was wrestling with whether or not I should accept God's grace...because that would mean that I was trusting God to cover me if I fall...and I'm too self-reliant for that.

Enter Calvary Chapel Lynchburg today...I went to this church for the first time in about a year (when the pastor first started teaching from Revelation), and guess where he was teaching from again today? Yep, Revelation 16:6-21. He's been teaching from it every sunday until he's finished the book. His message was very interesting and enlightining, as it dealt with some of the judgements to come. But at one point in the message, he mentioned something about surrender...He said, "You come to this conclusion, that, you know what, my sin...my lying, my covetousness, my adultery, my idolatry, my stealing...breaking the ten commandments...That is an offense to God, and I need to repent of that! And I need to begin to walk in obedience, But how can I? I can't do it on my own. And when we come to that realization, and we call out upon Jesus and ask Him to forgive us, and in faith we entrust our souls to Him to forgive, and cleanse, and take us to heaven, that is when salvation is experienced."

Wow...talk about a timely message. When I heard that statement, in light of last night's conversation, I was floored. I was like, wow...it makes sense now. That's what my boy was talking about when he said to "embrace it." I didn't really feel like my friend understood fully what I was trying to say, but when Pastor Mike used my exact words today in church, I knew that he understood where I was coming from, and that God was speaking to me through him. After reflecting on that statement, I literally felt salvation. I felt like the God who I'd been searching for all of this time, found me instead! Last night, I told my friend that what I really needed was to feel like I needed God. Not in the sense of me being able to make it to heaven on my own...but I needed to want heaven more than I wanted to bear my own guilt (that's another blog for another day). After realizing (not just knowing & understanding) that its not hopeless...but rather, there is literally nothing that I can do to ensure anything...at that point...I realized that I needed God...literally.

I've been looking everywhere else, but God's just like, dude, I stand at the door and knock...Once I realized that it was Him and opened the door, I was rescued from the lie that I believed. That's why I posted the video by The Fray...because it essentially recounts my Christian experience up to today...Feel free to comment on this post! You don't need an account to comment...