In preparing for my trip to go to Puerto Rico this past June, there were many thoughts, prayers, and songs going through my mind. I couldn't wait to see my friends...my family, that I had made in Juana Diaz the year before. I couldn't wait to stay in the Howard Johnson hotel that we stayed at the year before on Isla Verde with the Burger King beside it and Walgreens up the street. I couldn't wait to go to the beach that was within a 5 minute's walking distance from our hotel. I couldn't wait to see which crew I would be on, who my teammates would be, and what site we would be working on. I couldn't wait for Brian y la jovenes de JIBEM to lead worship...I REALLY couldn't wait for that. Since last year, I had learned about 15 different worship songs in Spanish, and I was ready to give God my all in worship. I was ready to see God move in the hearts and mindsets of the team from my church back home (New Song Bible Fellowship). I was even eager to try out some of the new Spanish words and phrases that I learned from Twitter, and the Byki Spanish app on my iPhone. As you can see, I was EAGERLY anticipating this trip.
Aside from all of this anticipation about going back to la isla de encanta, God had been growing me so much closer to Himself than ever before. Knowing God is a very intimate process. I'm so full of passion, and so full of ideas to change the world...but none of that matters in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong...My heart still beats for seeing God's will done on earth, as it is in heaven. At the same time, God has also been sharing with me how everything truly is vanity. Meaning that it won't last.
Honestly, I find it hard to not focus on figuring out how to change the prevalent mindsets in America, and in Brazil (and in other countries) to where we care ENOUGH to make sure that everyone has, at least, the basic necessities of life. Seriously. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that there are enough resources in our world for no one to ever have to go hungry, but people die of starvation everyday. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that people feel as though they need to cut themselves in order to "release" their pain. I seriously and truly have a problem with the fact that people are still imprisoned by negative stereotypes, and are literally not "allowed" to be themselves. These are things that I constantly think about. These thoughts, concerns, and convictions literally keep me up at night at times. I think about solutions. I think about how I am often hypocritical in these areas. I think about what God wants me to DO about these things, and how He'll help me do them...
In thinking on these things, the Holy Spirit brought to my attention that I had been focusing too much on DOING things for God, and too little on KNOWING God. The object of my affections...the only exception in a world full of imperfection...the only constant, Who is consistent when nothing or nobody else is...The only one whom I can fully and completely trust, 100% of the time, even when I can't trust myself...Mi sagrado, my sanctuary. These are attributes that I began to learn, know, see, and understand about God. I began to understand that ultimately, social justice can't save a man's soul. Only the saving grace of God through His Son Jesus can. I began to find solace in His sovereignty. The more I saw God, the less my desires mattered. I know it may sound heavy, and even weird, but this is a window into the intimacy that I'm beginning to share with God.
Relating all of this back to my anticipation and expectations for my trip to PR, a single song became my prayer for the trip. The song is called "Vision of You" by Shane and Shane. Take a few minutes to listen to the song, and read the lyrics (both found at the following YouTube link): Vision of You
My prayer can be summed up in these lyrics: "Awaken what's inside of me. Tune my heart to all You are in me...Even though You're here, God come. May the vision of You be the death of me...."
It's still my prayer. I'm a new creation, but I'm still shedding...Still crawling out of my old skin. May the vision of You be the death of me.
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